Accepting an Apology that Got Lost in the Mail

Forgiveness. It may be easier for some than others, but we gotta admit that when it comes to this particular word, it will never be a one time process and in some cases, it’s not even a linear one. Some days are good days, some days are worse. Sometimes, we can try to forgive and not being in contact with the person. But in other cases, the person we are trying to forgive is the person we encounter in our daily lives – and I think this is an even harder process to carry.

I, for one, am used to be someone who forgives easily – at least to most people who happened to have hurt me at some point in my life. It was too easy for me to forgive others that the people who are so close to me are often become very overprotective of me because of this “feature” that I have. But how can it be, for someone like me, who happens to have a rapid cell regeneration when it comes to healing the hurting heart – how can I get stuck in this forgiving process with one particular person?

Hard is not even the right word to describe it. I would say, people won’t usually require me to forgive when it already comes to this stage. And sadly, this is what I truly hold dear, the fact that “this” is not okay and it’s not right and I by any circumstances should not be required to forgive this person.

But as I hardened my heart even more to this idea of me forgiving this person, I feel like there is something holding me back from time to time. I wanted to spread my wings and fly, but there is this burden buried deep inside my heart that keeps me from soaring high. And then I realized, that what they said about you holding a grudge on someone is more detrimental to you rather than to that person is actually true. So now here I am, by divine intervention (again), face to face once again with the hard truth: why is it so hard for me to give forgiveness away to this person? How do you forgive a person who is incapable of remorse? How could you forgive someone who doesn’t feel a bit guilty of what they’ve done to you? To tell you the truth, I am still learning myself.

Too often we get too caught up in this idealism or unenforceable rules* in life that we often call it as “should” – something like, parents should be loving or spouses should be loyal to one another, or people shouldn’t lie to me or the bad person should go to jail, and etc. Even when we agree to those statements, we can’t really enforce the rules to be true. Sometimes, rather than wasting our time and energy trying to enforce an unenforceable rules to other people (which in the end we’ll be the one who end up being frustrated as hell anyway), maybe it’s time to change our method to just accepting the person as he/she is by enjoying their good qualities (yes, they do have good qualities – no matter how bad they are) while mitigating on the bad ones.

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I know one thing for sure that life does not put me in a situation which I cannot handle. And I know that even though it is against every bone in my entire body to go through the process of this forgiveness, I owe it to myself that I have to continue this journey until I reach the finish line. Because I want to be able to breathe again. Because I want to be me again. Because I want to live again.

So if this is what it takes, then I will accept the apology that I will never receive, and forgive with my whole heart. After all, life is a journey and we are all just learning to be a better person than we were yesterday.

*Triumph of the Heart by Megan Feldman Bettencourt

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