Accepting an Apology that Got Lost in the Mail

Forgiveness. It may be easier for some than others, but we gotta admit that when it comes to this particular word, it will never be a one time process and in some cases, it’s not even a linear one. Some days are good days, some days are worse. Sometimes, we can try to forgive and not being in contact with the person. But in other cases, the person we are trying to forgive is the person we encounter in our daily lives – and I think this is an even harder process to carry.

I, for one, am used to be someone who forgives easily – at least to most people who happened to have hurt me at some point in my life. It was too easy for me to forgive others that the people who are so close to me are often become very overprotective of me because of this “feature” that I have. But how can it be, for someone like me, who happens to have a rapid cell regeneration when it comes to healing the hurting heart – how can I get stuck in this forgiving process with one particular person?

Hard is not even the right word to describe it. I would say, people won’t usually require me to forgive when it already comes to this stage. And sadly, this is what I truly hold dear, the fact that “this” is not okay and it’s not right and I by any circumstances should not be required to forgive this person.

But as I hardened my heart even more to this idea of me forgiving this person, I feel like there is something holding me back from time to time. I wanted to spread my wings and fly, but there is this burden buried deep inside my heart that keeps me from soaring high. And then I realized, that what they said about you holding a grudge on someone is more detrimental to you rather than to that person is actually true. So now here I am, by divine intervention (again), face to face once again with the hard truth: why is it so hard for me to give forgiveness away to this person? How do you forgive a person who is incapable of remorse? How could you forgive someone who doesn’t feel a bit guilty of what they’ve done to you? To tell you the truth, I am still learning myself.

Too often we get too caught up in this idealism or unenforceable rules* in life that we often call it as “should” – something like, parents should be loving or spouses should be loyal to one another, or people shouldn’t lie to me or the bad person should go to jail, and etc. Even when we agree to those statements, we can’t really enforce the rules to be true. Sometimes, rather than wasting our time and energy trying to enforce an unenforceable rules to other people (which in the end we’ll be the one who end up being frustrated as hell anyway), maybe it’s time to change our method to just accepting the person as he/she is by enjoying their good qualities (yes, they do have good qualities – no matter how bad they are) while mitigating on the bad ones.

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I know one thing for sure that life does not put me in a situation which I cannot handle. And I know that even though it is against every bone in my entire body to go through the process of this forgiveness, I owe it to myself that I have to continue this journey until I reach the finish line. Because I want to be able to breathe again. Because I want to be me again. Because I want to live again.

So if this is what it takes, then I will accept the apology that I will never receive, and forgive with my whole heart. After all, life is a journey and we are all just learning to be a better person than we were yesterday.

*Triumph of the Heart by Megan Feldman Bettencourt

Asymmetrical skirt is just so much fun

It was love at first sight when i first laid eye on this gorgeous skirt. And with love at first sight, sometimes I could get it wrong…  but certainly not in this case.

Even though I can’t really wear this skirt on a regular daily basis when I go to the supermarket or Starbucks, but this one definitely is a fun skirt and I can dress it down just a little if I don’t want to be too “much” (just not in this outfit picture ;p)

In here, I pair the skirt with my cute fringed black top and a simple pointed toe pumps.

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My masculine hand thanks to those long hours of bussing tables

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Top: Derek Lam

Skirt: you can find something similar here Alice+Olivia Asymmetric Skirt or this one Jackquemus Skirt

I like this one too Michael Lo Sordo Satin Skirt

Sunglasses: Jimmy Choo Andie

Shoes: Manolo Blahnik Hangisi

Bag: Hermes

Choker and earring: my favorite local shop @jadewong168

The Woman I Never Thought I Would Be 2

Part 2

When everything you’ve got is gone, it was hard for you to even want to continue living. I felt a huge hole deep inside my heart and I seriously didn’t know how to find the strength to build myself from the ground up all over again. I just wanted to give up on life and surrender. If I knew something was coming, probably I would be a little more mentally prepared for it, but this came all the sudden. I went from a hero to zero in the blink of an eye.

I thought I had it all figured out, and I really thought I was in the right path before all this happened. I had evolved from a girly girl who didn’t have a lot of motivation in life to a girl boss who had managed to lead and grow a company; and this transformation required a lot of tears, sacrifice, hard work, dedication, and not including almost losing my mind every few seconds.

But why after all those hard years now I could be down here at the lowest point in my life? I couldn’t help but keep on asking God as to why He allowed all this to happen to me.

Now, my baby sister, she meant the world to me. It broke my heart the most when I had to be separated from her. I used to wake up at night looking for her because I was used to her sleeping next to me. It made me sad that I cannot be with her every step of the way but this was the moment when I had to realize that she is not mine. I took care of her for six years, but she’s not mine.

The whole situation was a lot to digest and it took me a very long time to finally had the willingness to stand up, start over and start living again.

I then started the entrepreneurial route and boy did I struggle! I thought I got this, I had led a company before and I thought I knew all the things about business but was I wrong. Starting an entrepreneurial journey is like walking in limbo – everything around you is just so vague and you feel like your feet are not touching the ground, but you’re not flying either. It’s like walking on the moon with your out-of-space suit and there’s no gravity – and it’s really hard, especially when you feel like you’re so busy all the time but you’re not making money. But somehow, day by day, I managed to support myself – all because of the grace I received from Above.

I had to relearn everything about me, about life, about everything in general. I had to learn to deal with anxiety and depression but in the midst of all that soul-searching enlightenment journey that I was taking, I managed to find who I really am on the inside. Apparently, sometimes you need to lose it all in order for you to gain yourself – and in the end, finding who you truly are is much more valuable than anything you could’ve ever lost.

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Apparently, sometimes you need to lose it all in order for you to gain yourself

And then now I realize, it was not my destiny to be a super strong businesswoman. It sure felt really good to have such power and authority, but I found out now that is not who I am. I am so glad now that I didn’t go down that road because I finally realized that deep down inside, I am still this sweet girl who still wants to believe in humanity. And I want to believe in that girl. Being strong is a good thing, but this is a slippery slope for a businesswoman because sometimes, we might just lose our way just a little. Sometimes we might just forget to put down our CEO badge when we’re at home or when we’re socializing with people. I do believe in standing strong and believing in ourselves and fighting for what we believe in – this is what women empowerment is all about. But as women, we also need to understand that being strong doesn’t mean that we always have to be right all the time and it certainly doesn’t mean that other people have to follow what we want all the time.

And the thing about life is, we will always have to continue to learn and grow, whether we like it or not. I was never that motivated girl who’s always ahead of her time and always know what to do with her life, but I find strength to always continue on living life to my best ability because I was always put in a situation where I either need to fight and survive, or die. And maybe life’s been a bit hard on me for a reason, and I’d like to live to one day find out the purpose behind it all.

Yellow + Black is not only for the yellow jacket fans ;)

For me, I don’t strive for perfection

But I like my style to be neat – therefore I don’t mix both top and bottom that has too much going on. And there’s always a key item for any outfit of the day. In here, I put on a simple flare pants to match with my “fun” gold top

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Top: you can find the similar one here storets

Pants: Zara from last season (yes, I don’t always wear new season clothes) but this one is similar to the one I wear zara pants

Shoes: Louis Vuitton

Bag: Hermes

Sunglasses: Jimmy Choo

Lipstick: Giorgio Armani lip maestro no 400

 

It’s a rainbow fun kinda day

Now let’s get to the fun stuff shall we

This look is all about the skirt – scroll below at the very bottom for lists of some skirts that I found that are similar to the one I am wearing here

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White Shirt with fluffy sleeve: Zara

Skirt: a local boutique in my hometown, but I also like this one Alexis Maxi Skirt

this one Badgley Mischka

and this one Milly Palm Print –> you can even get this cheaper here Milly Palm Print Maxi Skirt

Shoes: Christian Louboutin

Bag: Hermes

Sunglasses: Jimmy Choo

Lipstick: Kylie lip kit in “Kristen”

Necklace: 2 level choker I bought at a local shop, you can also get it here @jadewong168

Earring: also bought at @jadewong168

 

 

The Woman I Never Thought I Would Be

Part 1

It was a few hours pass midnight and I couldn’t find anything that opened around the area where I parked my car – which was also my bed at that moment – so I went outside and find some place to hide for me to take a leak. Maybe it was the combination of the cold autumn night and not having anything to eat on that day, but I never felt so exposed to the outside world like that in all my life. I felt so bare, unprotected, and the saddest thing is, so alone.

Have you ever felt like your world, as you know it, went crumbled to the ground in just a matter of seconds? Imagine everything you have, everything you’ve worked so hard for, everything that is important to you – your whole world – is taken away from you. That was what happened that night.  I wanted to go to a hotel so that at least I could get a good night sleep but I couldn’t afford it at that time. But as uncomfortable as I was, I could care less about my physical condition as the pain I felt inside of my heart was so much greater than anything I ever felt my whole life. I remember crying inside the car until the tears couldn’t come out anymore and my voice could no longer scream, until finally I was too exhausted that I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up a few hours after, I never felt emptier in life than what I felt that morning. I opened my eyes that morning with no purpose in life whatsoever. I don’t know where I wanted to go, I don’t know what I wanted to do, I just felt so empty.

I remember back in my school years, I wasn’t the alpha type, no, far from it even. I had always been this naive girl who always ended up being bullied either by my fellow classmates or by some of the teachers because I couldn’t stand up for myself. I was a typical Asian girl who wouldn’t think much about anything other than falling in love with romance and thinking about getting married to my prince charming. I didn’t care about a career or whether I wanted to be successful in life. Yeah, sure, I went to college and got my premed degree but I really didn’t think too much about what I wanted to do with my life then. After college, as any typical Asian child would, I had to work in the family business. I didn’t really have much dedication to my job in the first few years until some very influential people came into my life and gave me a lot of enlightenment about myself and about life. Maybe it’s the combination of that and my mother trying so hard into making me a hardworking lady boss – she really tried every possible way to start a fire in me, and then before I knew it I had become a strong, independent woman. In the midst of all that, mother gave birth to my baby sister and that innocent baby girl turned my world upside down. My mom has always been a busy businesswoman ever since I could remember, so I felt the need to be the caretaker of that beautiful baby girl. She had me at “uh”.

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She had me at “uh”

Raising her, I learned to be selfless and to put her needs before mine. I learned to be a  “mom”. I searched for her school, her pediatrician, her nanny, and I would go to all of her school events, parties or parents meeting. I taught her how to lift up her neck, taught her first words, how to walk and potty train. I took her to school, picked her up, made sure that she’d get a proper meal, did her homework with her, scheduled her next pediatrician appointment, anything a mom would do. She was my world.

Working in the family business was tough. At first I had to prove to everyone that I could do the job so that I could earn their respect, and then there’s your parents always pressuring you and wanting more out of you because everything you did were never good enough. If it’s good, it’s just okay. If it’s awesome, it’s just good. And when it’s bad, it’s so terribly awful. I had to do more, achieve more, be more. And not including the weight of the whole company relies on your shoulder – it was a very tough life for me. I would cry as I was driving home and I remember thinking, did all these people work as hard as I do? But if I don’t work this hard, I wouldn’t even be able to pay the bills, so I had to keep on moving.

I didn’t realize since when, probably because my job required a lot out of me, but thriving in my field felt good. I had become an independent businesswoman and I felt confident with myself. I felt like finally I had something in life I could be proud of – finally I had achieved something in my life. And without me realizing it, I had made that my identity; that I am a successful businesswoman.

Until that one day, everything that I thought was mine apparently was not. It turned out, I didn’t even have anything I could hold onto. Everything that I built-everything that I worked so hard for-everything that I ever loved-everything that was my world-they’re not mine. And when everything was gone, I felt like I was left with nothing in this world and I didn’t know what was the purpose of me waking up in the morning for anymore. My whole life, as I know it, was over.

Continue reading “The Woman I Never Thought I Would Be”

A Little Introduction

Hi everyone, and welcome to my page.

I am so excited that I have finally decided to create my very own blog and I do hope that you will enjoy my stories as much as I love writing them.

 

But before I continue on this journey with you, here’s a few facts about me that I’d like to share with all of you

I’m very passionate about writing – so passionate that I feel like there’s something burning inside of me every time I write about something that moves me. So finally I’ve decided to follow it and give this passion of mine a platform to show its full capacity. I am hoping that through my writing, I can help to inspire, lift and encourage others.

Another thing that I’m passionate about is to make this world a better place to live in. To know that I too can make a difference and touch lives of others. There is this burden inside of me that I need to let out – even if I could only help just one person in this world, that would be more than enough for me.

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I used to tell myself that I don’t have enough time to do any social work since I’ve got bills to pay and I really can’t afford not working, so I would just donate and that would be my justification to myself that I have contributed. But the truth is, it was never enough.The  feeling to want to do more and help others would still come up to the surface every now and then. You notice how a cancer survivor could appreciate life more than the rest of us and would feel the need to help other patients in tough times and give them encouragement? When you’re a life survivor, you’d want to contribute more and encourage others in need. By this I don’t mean that I have such a hard and tough life, but let’s just say that it has not been an easy one. I’ve been knocked down multiple times and I still have a lot more rounds to go 😉

I’m also very passionate about fashion. Not about the latest trend or the must-have-item of the season, but the craftsmanship itself – from the choosing of the material to the way the craftsmen stitches and how the cutting would fit perfectly on you; the beading, the soft leather, the silk – I could go on and on about this but you kinda get the hang of it rite :p

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It is so sad that nowadays the industry has moved more and more toward consumerism and therefore has compromised the quality of the product. I always choose quality over quantity so I would buy certain luxury items which I think would be a great investment or would be a great key piece to my wardrobe that would last for the longest time, not the latest trend that could change in a matter of the changing of the season.

Last but definitely not least, I am very passionate about my little sister. She is the sweetest girl I’ve known. I took care of her ever since she was a baby until when she was six years old, and being apart from her has always been the hardest part of me leaving home.

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Whenever I’m at home and if I come home late, she would fall asleep in my room waiting on me to come home. When she woke up the next morning and saw me sleeping next to her, she would hug me so tight and gave me thousands of kisses. If I could only choose one out of the things I’m most passionate about, I would choose her over anything else in a heartbeat

 

And therefore, all of the above pretty much sums up everything about me. I’ve always been an easy book, and I will remain to be one.

Thank you for all of you and I hope you would enjoy this journey with me 🙂